The deeper meaning behind people pleasing

People pleasing, also known as fawn, is a clever and sophisticated trauma response.

When we grow up in an environment that feels unsafe, with caregivers who are emotionally unavailable and unpredictable, we unconsciously learn to attune to their needs. Trying to predict what they need at every turn.
Walking on eggshells.

People pleasing always start with our primary caregivers, specially our mothers. Later on in life we keep on repeating the same people pleasing patterns everywhere we go.

It’s important to know that children don’t do this on purpose or consciously. It’s purely out of survival and desperation.

When caregivers are misattuned panic sets in. Then a child will do anything to feel any care and attention.

A few reasons a child learn to people please.

👼🏻 Wanting to be seen and loved.

👼🏻 The pain of the unpredictability or emotional distance in the home environment is too great to bear, so behaviours, such as people pleasing, start to develop to cope with the pain.

👼🏻 Starting to feel inadequate and changing behaviour to match what is expected of them.

👼🏻 Wanting to help caregivers to feel better and stable, so that caregivers can eventually love and protect them.

👼🏻 Giving the parents what they would like to receive themselves.

Children are born to love and be loved. They don’t know anything else. Their language is the language of resonance. So they feel everything very deeply and misattunement of caregivers sends very strong alarm bells to their young, not yet fully developed systems.

Be gentle with your younger self. Your people pleasing tendencies started much earlier in life than you think.

These young inner parts need to be recognised, acknowledged. Being fully seen and felt to be integrated.

During Deep Dives we explore and integrate these core wounds. Last Deep Dive experience of 2022 will happen soon.