Boundaries & healthy aggression

At some point in your healing journey healthy aggression (healthy expression of anger) will start to come up to the surface and the desire to establish some boundaries may emerge. 

For the first time you start to see patterns in others that are disrespectful and wonder: “How have I allowed such behaviours and comments towards me?!” 

This is one example of signs you may notice when healthy anger is starting to come online. 

The layer of numbness that once protected you is starting to melt and old suppressed emotions are starting to come up to the surface. 

Contrary to popular belief, anger is a primal emotion. We all have it in us and the only problem is the way humans channel it. You can express, suppress or soothe your anger. The toxic and explosive expression of it is what gives this emotion a bad rap. 

Healthy aggression is what motivates you towards your goals. It’s what helps you notice injustice in the world and what makes you want to do something about it. 

Healthy anger is also the energy that comes online when you need to establish healthy boundaries.

Boundaries is a complex topic, as even the people who class themselves as being good with boundaries realise, once they go deeper into their healing, that they were numbed to life and human connection. For instance, many people with avoidant attachment style can be quite comfortable with saying no. 

One of the biggest issues I see with boundaries is the self doubt people face awhile establishing them. The main difficulties are the feeling of being selfish and mean. Not to mention the fear of rejection. 

Building capacity in your nervous system is the most powerful way to start getting in touch with your healthy anger. 

And it’s always good to keep in mind that: 

• Removing yourself from toxic relationships is not selfish.

• You are not being self-centred for saying no to the people who are sucking you dry. 

• You are not being mean for expressing your needs clearly. 

As you slowly build capacity in your nervous system you will see that fear of rejection won’t be as much of an issue when saying no, as the need for respectful boundaries will arise organically.