How to rebuild safety when I feel unsafe with others?

Co-regulation is a prerequisite for self-regulation. Babies are not born with the ability to self-regulate. Developmentally we first need the help of a safe caregiver to co-regulate with us and from there our bodies learn to self-regulate.

For many of us there were no opportunities to co-regulate with attuned caregivers, then from early on in life our systems start to build self protection patterns. In this case connection can also be over coupled with threat.

As Dr Stephen Porges eloquently puts it:

“Trauma is a chronic disruption of connectedness”

With lack of connection we have to find ways to self-soothe. And that’s why more often than not we struggle with emotional eating, addictions and many unhelpful patterns.

But even if this is the case the pathways to co-regulation are still available, we just need to uncover these pathways to travel these “abandoned roads”.

As an adult, our minds may create variations of stories such as: “ I have given up looking for connection. It doesn’t work for me” or “ I don’t trust anyone, I’d rather be alone”. Our minds can create a story of defeat, to help us survive day to day, but the nervous system never stops looking and longing for connection. It’s an inbuilt feature.

If at this point in your life you find it hard to trust others or it’s difficult to find a human you feel safe with to co-regulate. There are 2 wonderful options.

🌿 Nature 🌿

Nature is alive.

Intentionally spending time in nature, listening to the birds, touching the grass with your barefoot, listening to the sound of the waves on the beach, appreciating the greenery etc...allows your body to start to connect to the aliveness of life and the aliveness within yourself.

🐶 Pets 🐱

Pets give us so much unconditional love. And if your pet is a mammal they have the same nervous system as you. They also long for connection. They are safe and often are naturally more regulated than us humans.

I invite you to make the most of these two wonderful options to help you self-regulate until you can build more safety within yourself and feel ready to connect with other humans again.