Teaching your children self regulation skills
Most of us have not learnt self regulation skills when we were young.
Due to our parents’ own stresses, traumas, family patterns or simply lack of knowledge; we were told to stop crying and to bury our emotions, stirring confusion in our nervous systems.
A simple example:
A child fell off his/her bike, there is always a stress response that happens in the nervous system in accidents, even small accidents. The sympathetic part of the nervous system becomes active, amongst other things, the heart rate goes up and the child cries because he/she is in pain and perhaps because tears was the natural expression, in the moment, to release the tension in the system.
Then a parent says: “there is no need to cry, it was just a small graze and you are ok.”
This creates confusion and disconnection. The child’s body feels one thing and he/she is naturally responding to that, but the parent, an authority figure and someone the child loves and trust, is telling them they are ok and that they must not cry.
And just like this, little by little, we lose touch with our needs, our bodies and the natural responses of the nervous system.
The nervous system needs time to reorganise after accidents and any type of trauma. There is a curve that happens and this curve naturally comes down and reorganises, if given enough space and time. But instead, we fall and get up quickly because we are embarrassed and need to get on with things and we teach our children to do the same.
A small experiment you can do with your child/children next time they get hurt:
Sit with them. If they need consolation, just console them and notice if you are getting activated by their emotional state (we often want them to feel better quickly and to stop crying because this brings up difficult memories for us).
Ask them to feel the ground under their feet.
Teach them to pause, to look around (orienting).
Ask them what they need and wait for their answer.
By practicing these small steps you will teach your children resilience and will help them build connection with their own bodies and needs.
